Mixed Emotions

'tis the season

At the post office this morning, I wished the clerk a Happy Merry, my go-to, all-inclusive holiday greeting. When he responded, thank you, and how are you this morning?, I said, tis the season for mixed emotions. He shut his eyes for a moment, nodded, then chuckled to himself. He understood. We were speaking each other’s language without too many words.

Today is the first anniversary of my mother’s death. In her early 90s, when she was still living an unusually active life, I wondered how I was going to feel when she finally left us. I wasn’t sure if I’d be shattered, or lost, or even relieved if her final days or months turned out to be difficult or they dragged on. But I didn’t feel shattered, lost, or relieved. Mostly I’ve felt content and grateful. She lived a long life, a life she animated with her joy, her smarts, her passion, and her enormous heart. She experienced painful losses and hard times like we all do, but she got back up every time. I still talk to her, “call” her when I need to. She’s always there.

Happy Merry
Happy Sad

Love,
Bar

Hard at work, becoming, recovering (ski accident), relaxing, being a mom, teaching physics at Bryn Mawr, celebrating her 70th with her beloved Granny's glasses, sharing her pumpkins (an annual thing my father continues) arranging flowers for her neighbors celebrating Rosh Hashanah, nine weeks before her death.

And because of the sadness that often accompanies this holiday season, I’m attaching a song that always, always lifts my spirits. I’m not going to tell you what it is because I’m hoping you’ll experience the same hit of joy it gives me whenever I hear it. If you’re someone with mixed emotions this holiday season, I hope it gives you a lift if only for the time it takes to listen. And remember, you can always hit repeat.